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Prawn Hats

If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day

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Location: San Jose, California, United States

I'm a Westerner.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Sunday Night

I had a fried hamburger for my evening meal. We will call it "burger 1". The thing that's so unusual about this is that I had to cook it on the regular food-heating-device, not on the AGA. The AGA, sadly, is cold. I don't know how to start it. So, doing it the regular way, I set the electric burner on "5" (out of a possible "6") and started cooking one side of that flat beefy circle of goodness. We will call this "side A". I'd formed that pattie (patty?) with some thickness, perhaps too much thickness, so I let it cook on side A for, oh, about 15 months. I hope I got the units right there. Then it was time for side B. I believe this is what we like to call the obverse of side A.

The kids in 1993

I don't want you to think that I didn't consider adding a seasoning of some kind to burger 1. I did make an effort in this regard, but I couldn't find any that seemed appropriate. Now, I know what you're thinking- you think I'm going to list off for you some inappropriate burger 1 spices, such as cinnamon, cardamom, and myrrh. But the truth is- no, I'm not.

For side B, I turned the burner down to "4". I cannot say WHY I did this, but I can speculate:

- I had noted that burger 1 was still relatively thick, and might need more (i.e. longer) cooking time

- The kitchen was rather filled with smoke

- I was lost in the giddy excitement of being the only one home, and decided to make a change that you might characterise as arbitrary and willful

As soon as side B was comfortably underway, it was time to apply a cheesy topping- the one I had in mind was cheese. (It was the cheesiest thing I could think of). It was Creamy Lancashire cheese. I'm sure THAT statement raised a few eyebrows! You see, I usually buy the Crumbly Lancashire, but Morrison's only had grande packages of Crumbly Lancashire, and I wanted something... less. Sometimes a bit of Spanish creeps into my diction, as I've spent a few weeks in California. I hope you can let it simply pass, with a minimum of analysis and commentary. We'll call the creamy stuff "Lancashire 1", and the crumbly "Lancashire 2". You see, this will save typing, and accommodate easy reference throughout the whole day. Obviously, Lancashire 1 was the wise choice for a burger, as Lancashire 2 doesn't melt right. It just stays crumbly. And then falls out of the bun, like some kind of diced onion.

I dunno, maybe that wasn't so obvious after all.

In addition to the cheese, I put a lid on the frying pan. I have not described the frying pan, for several reasons:

- I didn't notice anything about it

- It's not important. I know, this is something of a value judgement on my part, and if you work for a frying pan manufacturer (or you are a frying pan-spotter) you will no doubt take umbrage. I apologise for this.

At this point in the cooking of burger 1, I stepped out of the kitchen. I think I did this because I had turned the heat down, and burger 1 was still thick. I felt, quite reasonably, that I had a bit of time before disaster would strike. Plus, I had something to do! In the living room I had turned on my new laserdisc of 'The Complete Tex Avery' cartoon collection (missing disc #3). You might remember him as the creator of "Droopy", or "Droopy Dog", that short, sad-looking dog. The cartoons are from the 40s or 50s or something. This being a complete collection, and contains plenty of ethnically insensitive material.

I ask you- when your child is looking like this, what kind of parent thinks to grab the camera??? Me, that's who

When I returned to the kitchen, and lifted the lid, I saw... my evening meal! The cheese have completely melted, slid down the side of burger 1, and started to burn. This would make for a crunchy alternative to the juicy softness of burger 1 itself. In saying this, I am presuming that burger 1 means the pattie, not the whole burger. It is unclear to me whether this assumption is good or bad.

Then I ate the burger.



Blogger Granny said...

Just read your comment on Mollie's latest post and I think I understand it better now.

If I had a nickel for each time I've messed up the cheese, I could retire. (oh yeah, I am retired).

Sorry to have missed meeting you but glad you had a safe trip back.

Maybe another time.


3/27/2006 3:21 AM  
Blogger ipodmomma said...

you are so funny, cheese and burger and nubmers and such.

last day. see you soon!

3/27/2006 3:26 PM  
Blogger Sarah Elaine said...

The question is... Did you ENJOY the burger?

4/05/2006 6:22 AM  
Blogger Teddy said...

You're ill. I hope you get better soon.

4/05/2006 12:33 PM  
Blogger Bar L. said...

You are funny - I just read the comment your left on my blog about Tom Petty's "winter" tour! Take care,

4/15/2006 2:10 PM  
Blogger Turtle Guy said...

I dare say, this is the first time I've left a comment at your blog. Not just sure why I haven't been in the habit of dropping in here, but perhaps this is my opportunity to start.

Firstly, I hope your travels to North America were EVERYTHING you expected and more.

Secondly, I've tagged you for a meme... not sure how much you really want to reveal about yourself, but there it is!

4/18/2006 12:59 AM  
Blogger Granny said...

Did you know you've been tagged for the six weird things about me meme?

4/18/2006 3:00 AM  
Blogger Granny said...

Oops - should have read the new comments first.

4/18/2006 3:00 AM  
Blogger Vincent Priceless said...

The most entertaining burger play-by-play I've seen. Also the only one I've seen, but still.

4/24/2006 3:59 PM  
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